| Monday Bluessss~ |
| Monday, June 29, 2009 at 6/29/2009 08:00:00 PM |
Hi people!!! To those who read my blog, thanks for your support. Cause i just found that... Or a better word, Ive woke up from the sluggish blurry world ive been in for the past.. 6 months. Started since the last long holiday. The long and rotting days of doing totally nothing but eat sleep and rot. School have once again start and im already up to my neck with projects. And thats only for 3 modules. What about mt bio chem, my PPE and my Plant maintanence? I don't know what put me into such a state of depression and self loath, low self esteem and such hate for the world and the humans on it, that i lost the smile Mandie mentioned. (Might be due to all the stress the projects, the amount of information needed to be crammed in everyday, the test and the relationships problems. Most of all the power struggle fights in class.In which I lost myself bit by bit, and slowly empty myself in heart and brain, going on an auto mode of self destruction. No smile, i lost hope. No passion for my course and knowledge. The sparkle in my eyes whnever i look into the mirrior. The energy i i practically poured out every morning in the first sem. The time where i would smile at all the sunshine i could spend in the sun, spurred by my love for nature and space. The wide open space. The countless hours working harder, learning and practicing spurred by the desire to know more and just because the subject itself is interesting. No... eye bags formed, i talked behind people. I fight with them, argue with my family members. power humgry. No smile. No laughter. Depression, no confidence and then comes the emptiness. A walking zombie that no info goes in, rubbish came out. An empty husk call a human.)Im Sick of this behaviour.Only after looking at the photos i took at the camp, the midnight-lose-my-head pic and the ones compared to when i took during the first year and sem... I lost the bright cheery and happy-go-lucky infectious smile. I was quite known to smile a lot during secondary school days. Yes i know, people change, due to stress, work and the environment, not to mention Relationships are a total stress inducing factor. Totally. A 360 degree change is Possible.I lost the motivation, the passion and the love for my work, friends,family and knowledge. Im a book worm. On msn, Azmi asked me.. 'What are you doing now?'I replied.. ' reading'.Yes, Im a bookworm and proud of it. But for the past 1 year and a half, Im ashamed. I had not touched more than 10 books in a year. When compared to my glorious days of the secondary school life, when we compete between our bookworm gang who have the fastest reading speed. Ah the highest record, Cheng boon, Eleanor, Michelle and me. All four of us read harry potter and the order of the pheonix in one day. Ahhh Sec 3... A book a day is normal. 3 books a day is no life.Anyway, back to the topic. I may want to be a boy, i may want to stay 16 . But a fact is a fact. Sweet 16 are days gone by, and exciting 18.. ...is hell. Being 18 in Singapore, not fun not happy and not healthy. Its stressful, its tiring and most of all, BORING. Im a 2 months 18 yr old baby. And i found myself being older than my age. Brain overload, work overload, and health overload. I read the recent friday 26 june my paper news. the writer was writing bout bagpacking in Munich. Where booze and the nightlife are sooo MUCH BETTER compared to S'pore. As in people just laugh, chat and drink beer with friends and laugh together. No need for polite and restrained conversations. Free. Relaxed and fun. The whole atmosphere was good. With musicians coming out to play their own music and to get people to buy thier own self made albums. People are friendly. Next, was an article on a tour in Australia. The slower pace of Australia where time seems to stop and people spend time looking at sharks in an aquarium and sip coffee at the nearby cafe.the autor wrote that in casino, the people are gambling like playing chess. Slow and steady. All nice and gentleman manners when they win or lose. No losing of temper. But the autor also mentioned, that like all new things alike, the freshness is gone after 3 days. And 3 days of idylling doing nothing and just purely relaxing can take its toll too. An idle mind is the devil's playground. So Sad to say, my sad and overworked mind, body and soul. I'm certain Im not able to stay and live in such a slow pace after what acustomed to the way i live in S'pore.And another article... Funny why suddenly I took up a newspaper in 3 week. And I found so many interesting articles. Well.. this is one about driving in s'pore. He says, driving in s'pore, one will need to have some courage and Kiasu-ness. or.. You can never make it out into the streets alive. Poeple in s'pore uses the car horns to show their anger and fustrations of drivers cutting into their lane and being too slow. etc etc... While in Cambodia and european countries, driving is a hobby, a leisure sport. People are much much polite than those in s'pore and willing to forgive and forget. Well seeing the above mentioned. I can conclude that singaporean are much too self conscious. Too self absorbed and self centered. All over focus on work and achievements and money. though yes without all these you can't survive, but this world. Especially Singapore. We all need a lil fun, a time to relax and a smile for friends and family. A smile, thats consist of polite, manners and yet contain the basis of fun sunshine and love. I need to find that smile. My friends, I love ya all. :) thanks for being here all the while. You know who you are, and i hope you all still remember the promises we made. Ara ara... This actually took me 2 hrs to write, re edit and repost. On a nice lovely cool evening, where silence is golden and creativity is sparked. I let my locked up feeling flowed a little, and i love everybit about it. Well now, it not everyday u get me to write such a long and deep piece of work. Its a piece of work. :D
to the sleepless nights...
